Day 15 NaPoWriMo

like a rain cloud, I’m dark      my family has never wanted  me       I act happy, engaging, still I grow blacker like the charred ground after a wild fire       like the black edge of a dead tooth        the advice I get is to just be happy        to  turn the corner of my mouth up slightly       still onyx clouds build on the horizon        where the lightning bolt slices through, its blackest still     down the street, a man stabbed his roommate to death, they where disagreeing over the rent          they’d been eating chili and drinking beer before the fist pummeling and then a knife         my hands are sore more often than not         I look online for answers, pummeling isn’t one of them        I am the average age for dying     my age adds up to twelve and reduces to three        the mother and mine was also sad      I lie in bed at night and feel the weight of my sadness like sculpture stone       I remain loyal to my family even now        the forsythia is in bloom        there’s a beetle on the molding in the bedroom       I’m not as sad as others, I guess         I’ve never tried to kill myself         never collected pills just in case I decided  too do the deed       still my sadness disables me and I search for solace         I call it intolerable          predatory like a savage beast          the sadness has followed me my entire life          like a long black shadow        a shadow shaped like my form only skinnier         even on cloudy days when the light is faint its there       its teeth bared      bite more than once      always an open wound     beast returns i ignored